is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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