The maid of honor just puked.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
she told me i tasted like america
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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