I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize
