I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
