i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
