i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
my sisters under your porch take her home
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
