So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
