I wish I could punch you in the face.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Randomize