Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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