I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
