I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
His hands were made for my vagina.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Boobs speak an international language.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Randomize
