Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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