We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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