you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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