Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize