I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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