I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
