My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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