my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
a search helicopter?!
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
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