I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
