my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize