You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
