...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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