I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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