Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
