I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
