So drunk its hurt
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
