so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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