Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Just high enough for therapy.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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