So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
