so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
We need to rekindle our bromance
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
