If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
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