The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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