I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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