Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
