My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
