Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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