i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
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