Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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