I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
