My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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