We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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