You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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