Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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