he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
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