you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Holy sore nipples Batman
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
