there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
