I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Randomize
