Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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