I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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