new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
