U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize