if i can run in heels then i can drive
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
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