i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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