So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
