I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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