You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
