apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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