help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
