just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
