need another drink. this is the easiest way
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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