Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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