ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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