so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
