I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I think I am morally bankrupt
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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