I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
