I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
