I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
