Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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