Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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