sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
