I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
