I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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