Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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